When life happens and we don't realize it.

As many of you know, in February I broke my ankle. This was an extremely difficult time for me and those around me. I remember after I had surgery and probably the first two weeks of recovery I just fell into this dark, dark place. Since I'm studying psychology, I wasn't surprised at how easy it was for me to become depressed. As each day went by it would get easier some days and harder too. Transition from the boot and the walker, to just the boot, to regular shoes again seemed to happen in no time. People would tell me almost everyday how shocked they were at my turn around. I was shocked too, but I still struggled a ton with certain things. The hardest thing for me was stairs. While most people would think that going up would be harder (because it is IRL) going down was the real task. It didn't take me long to go up stairs normally, but it wasn't until a few weeks ago that I was able to go down the stairs without feeling pain. The reason why I bring this up is because it took me a few times to go down stairs without feeling pain before I realized it was actually happening. For weeks, the only thing I could think about was my situation and my pain. I dreaded any situations where I knew I would have to walk long distances and I had to consciously think about walking on uneven surfaces.

I think this is the case with so many situations in life. A "major" event happens and we don't know what to do, how to deal or if life will ever get better. Days go by, some days it's easy to deal with and other days, the days we're confronted with the past of the event or the memory of that person and it feels like we're pushed back to day 1. The day it happened, the day we knew life could never get better.I felt like that several times post surgery. I'd have one bad day where I couldn't make it back to bed faster or I'd go days without having to take anything to manage the pain and then one day all I can think about is getting some relief.

 Somewhere along the way, whether it's days, months or years - life gets better. This event doesn't consume every minute of our day. It's hard to tell when and how it happened, but we're happier and maybe we've even got over it. I can say first hand I've gone through this with other situations. Just like everyone else, I've thought - it cannot get any worse than this and it has, but it always gets better. And the day when things get better without you even realizing it is when you really learn something. I've learned that these minor situations are hard, but they could always be worse. And no matter how much I wanted to believe that they would be the end of me, it wasn't.

The day I broke my ankle, I remember thinking "these days are going to get worse and worse" and less than 3 months later, I was engaged and happier than ever. We will always go through rough patches in life. We lose a job, get a bad grade, a relationship falls apart, lose a relative and while it seems like hope couldn't be farther away - one day the pain will subside and most likely, we won't even realize it.

To my mom.

After getting off the phone with my mom today I had a revelation about growing up. We spoke about this mix up with our phone bill (one of the many ways she still supports me) and I was driving home and thinking about our relationship and the phases its gone through. For those of you who know my mom, we're a lot alike in both looks and personality. For the most part, we've always gotten along, but we've had rough patches (like most teenage girls and their mothers). The hardest part about fighting with my mom is that we fight the same way, we're both overly sensitive and extremely defensive. Sometimes I feel like I might just accomplish the same goal if I stand in front of the mirror and scream at myself. Along with our personalities, we're both major home bodies. There have been so many weekends over the last several years where we will just lay in her bed for hours upon hours watching lifetime movies and crime TV. These are some of the best memories I have and the reason I'm getting teary writing this. If you've been around my mom and I, you know that there's a lot of sarcasm, but a ton of laughter. The sad thing that I'm coming to realize is that I'm getting older, I'll be moving out in a little over a year and there won't be a lot of these times once I'm forced to be an adult. I think back to the times where I would get so mad at her for reasons I can't even remember now and wish I could just erase that portion of my life. For every time I've made her feel bad, for every time I made her cry and for every time I was too stubborn to listen to what she said to me I wish I could just take back. For me growing up isn't hiding that those things ever happened, but realizing just how much my mom has done for me and being grateful for that. She sacrificed to make sure I never missed a school dance, a class trip, a concert I wanted to go and all other things that I really could have gone without. I appreciate my mom a lot more than I probably ever did in the past and hope that I can have the same closeness with my daughter one day.

Getting excited!

We're about 13 months away from the wedding (but who's counting?) and tonight my excitement really set in.

I started a wedding binder and just thought I'd share where we're at.

The wedding is July 14, 2012.
The wedding theme, for the time being :), is black and white with a jade accent.
The wedding and reception will both be at Parkside. Honestly, that is the only place in this area that we were impressed with. We've known for almost a year now that's where we were going to have it.
Cameron's best man is his brother, Dean. My maid of honor is my sister, Rachael.
We know there will not be ANY children in our wedding party.
Our friend, Dave Underwood, will be marrying us.
One of the first decisions we made is that we WILL be having a candy bar at our reception. That is probably one of the things I'm most excited about :)
All you ladies can shoot me, but the last thing that has been on my mind (that I almost forgot to add into the cost today) is my dress!
We're definitely making pre-marriage counseling a priority!

That's all for now :)
More details to come..

Transition.

It set in today that this is my last "free" summer. Next summer along with the wedding, I'll hopefully have a big girl job and be living on my own for the first time without my mom supporting me and also living with a boy, ew! :) From high school, to college, to adulthood the only thing that will always be constant is change. That's an overused quote, but true. I think back to a few years ago, the goals I had, the decisions I made and the people I surrounded myself with. Several of these individuals are nothing but memories of my past and that's where they will stay. Even if friendships drifted because of time or other various reasons, I think growing up and your inner circle getting smaller can be as refreshing as it is disappointing. It's easy at 15 to say you'll be best friends forever. At that age, there are essentially no worries and nothing that could get in the way. As we grow, more things happen, more opportunities arise, time passes and as much as we would love to save our friendships - not everyone matures at the same speed. I don't keep in much contact with people that I went to high school with because I'm just at a different point in my life. I'm getting married at a relatively young age and I'm aware of that. As happy as I am with my current state, it's really easy to think "what if..". Do I miss the time where I talked to 30 people a day and texted so much I thought my fingers were going to fall off? At times. Would I trade that for what I have now? Absolutely not. The worst thing I could do is fall into the void of wanting things to go back to the way they were. I'm learning to cherish those times rather than try to recreate them. I think the smartest thing someone can do during this age is be intentional about who they surround themselves with. I'm 21 today, but I know that in 5 years my inner circle will only be smaller, but with stronger relationships. I don't want to force friendships or try to reconnect with the wrong people to salvage something that worked 5 years ago. I'll just continue to move forward and trust that God has more in store for me than this time of transition.